Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Day 08 - 10 things you don't know about me

Oh man - where to start with this one.  From the mundane to the insane - here we go.

1) I'm 1/2 an Ironman.  1.1 mi swim, 56 mi bike, and a 13.2 mi run.  Hooah baby.  Hooah.

2) I once (well, ok more than once) spent a large portion of my time jumping off high objects into questionable pools of water.  Often while intoxicated.  At night.  Yeah, I wonder why I'm still here myself.

3) Despite #2, I'm terrified of hights - like, rediculously frightened.  I get nervous on a step ladder.  Don't ask me how I jumped off a bridge into the White Salmon river, just above some rapids, I'm not quite sure myself.  I'm sure it had something to do with the fact that a) I thought the white water was generally boring (I was once thrown over the high side of a raft - and at 280lbs that was an impressive sight I'm sure) and b) at some point during the trip I had ripped the ass out of my wetsuit - so I spent the whole trip mooning everyone.

4) I used to ride in the rodeo.  I never did bull riding, but I've covered more than one bareback horse, and I used to jump off a running horse onto a steer - just to wrestle him to the ground.  I also did well in the wild cow milking.

5) I've lived above the Arcitc Circle.

6) I once took sixth place in the Arctic Circle Championship sled dog races.  Yeah, there were only six people entered, but they paid out seven places - so I still made money.

7) I hate mystery citrus showing up in my food (you know this if you listened to the TNB while I was a guest).  Nothing ruins a delicious dish faster than a cake fart, but strange orange showing up in my pecan pie is a close second.

8) I share a brain with Wombcrusher.  I swear, I'm Ed Norton and he's Brad Pitt.  The number of times we've had the same thought at the same moment...scary.

9) I have, on more than one occasion, been the only answer to the question of "Who drank an entire bottle of scotch/gin/whiskey/rum/etc". 

10) I did inhale.  I also have used a wide variety of hallucinogens, pain killers, and other mind/body altering drugs.  While I can't condone their use (legally) - I do have some pretty crazy stories from those nights.  Again this begs the question, how am I still alive?

I once took out a barracks window using 100mph tape, a Boones Farm bottle full of Red Man spit (mostly mine), and a half dozen MRE heaters. 

Often accused, held overnight, interrogated, and charged - but never convicted. 

Next - My first blog post.


  1. Can we get more info on bonus fact #1? Like what were the MRE heaters used for?

  2. So I had a giant reponse written, but blogger ate it. To give some more details, without actually confessing to anything, here's the basics of a MRE bomb.

    MRE heaters are basically chemical packs that react with water to produce heat. It's enough heat to warm up a thawed MRE, but it won't last long enough to say, heat your bunk. As a byproduct of the chemical reaction, a gas is also produced. This is important later.

    So take a half dozen soldiers sitting around drinking 2$ Boones Farm. We'd made several MRE bombs with plastic bottles, but we decide that we wanted something bigger. Now, we weren't so drunk that we thought glass shrapnel was a good idea, so we took my spitoon (I was chewing Red Man at the time), wiped it down (fingerprints are bad), and then taped it up with 100mp (duct tape) tape.

    We then took six or so MRE heaters, crumbled them up, and loaded them into the spitoon. At this point, the fuse was essentially lit. We capped that bad boy off, and tossed it out the window.

    Unfortunately, it seemed to be a dud. Maybe the tape job was too good, or we lost too much gas at the start. So, I loaded up my lip and we started working on a new one.

    About 30 min later, we heard a really loud bang, followed by the sound of glass breaking, and then some really loud yelling. Here's what happened.

    The heaters took a long time to reach critical mass, and the cap was the weak point. When the cap/neck broke, it turned into a rocket, and shot across the quad and into some other soldiers room - where it continued to dump the nasty liquid.

    Here's to having a solid cover story.


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